Quick Update
So, I’ll be in Africa for the next three weeks, collecting an elephant army to invade the Alps.
Don’t expect an update for a while.
(…but seriously, I’m going on vacation.)
An Open Letter to My Brain
Dear Frontal Lobe,
On behalf of my body, I would like to thank you for your outstanding service. Your overly analytical tendencies and ability to weave convincing arguments and counter-arguments helps me greatly at work. I hope that our continued cooperation will result in good things for the both of us.
However, when I am outside of work and attempting to relax, socialize or at the very least not freak out about something ridiculously trivial, kindly shut the fuck up and just give me a nice little squirt of dopamine. If you refuse to comply, I shall be forced to stab at you with a crayon through my nose.
Thanks in advance, and I hope to amicably continue our professional relationship.
Sincerely,
The Aztec Law Student
GW Humbly Requests Your Wire Transfer of Monies
So while rocking out to Pitbull on my way back from the gym yesterday, I realized that it had been almost a week and I had yet to receive word from the GW Admissions Office that they’d received my $1,000 bribe seat deposit.
I know what you’re all thinking. Yes. I do, in fact, go to a gym. But back to the check. $1,000 is a not insignificant amount of money, especially considering that 15 minutes away in Juarez, you can have someone killed for like $20 and a six-pack of Tecate.
So I decided to get to the bottom of this and make sure it didn’t get lost in mail/seized by pirates. I started calling around. First number I called was a fax machine. Then I got the voicemail for career services. Then I got a scary robot voice that informed me I reached some guy named “J.D.”, so I hung up before the Terminator got a chance to finish saying “J.D. Admissions Office.”
Called back, gave the robot my number, and left a message asking if they’d received my money. All while trying to not sound effeminate. Anyways, something compelled me to check my junk mail. And there it was.
“##FIRSTNAME##,[sic]
Your second seat deposit has been received and forwarded to the University Cashiers Office. It will be credited to your fall tuition charges.
Further, we’d like to inform you of an investment opportunity. Due to changes in the Nigerian Civil Code, our father, Prince Abdul Hakim Mugabe, wishes to transfer €1,000,000 (1 million euros) from his Bank of Africa account in Lagos …”
GW really makes me feel loved.
A Modest, Oily Proposal
I’m a big fan of Albert Einstein. Big Al was known for his “thought experiments” upon which our entire knowledge of quantum physics is known today. Like Big Al, I, too, like launching thought experiments. Also like Big Al, I have some problems with math, which means I’ve had to double and triple-check the numbers in today’s blog post. I’m pretty sure they’re right, but if they’re not, comment and I’ll fix them. (But really, these numbers aren’t particularly relevant. It’s a *thought* experiment.)
So, let’s say there’s this company called The London Hugs and Kisses Corporation (for brevity, we’ll just call them “BP“). BP drills for maple syrup off the coast of the United States (but we’ll just say that they drill for “oil”.) BP has to follow a lot of rules, because if they mess up, it makes for a really wacky, sticky situation! Also, lots of otters die. But fuck the otters. They’re just propaganda machines for Mother Nature.
No! Must not let otters...warm...heart...awww. (Pic courtesy of http://www.daphoto.info)
Now if BP spills oil into the water, under the Clean Water Act, the U.S. government can fine BP for $1,100 a barrel. But if BP has a track record of willfully violating laws 760 times while its rivals only did the same thing once, the government can fine them for $4,300 a barrel.
Great. Now let’s say that one day, while BP was willy-nilly stabbing open holes in the earth’s crust, it was unable to stop the flow of oil into the ocean at a rate of between 12,000 and 60,000 gallons a day. And let’s say that this goes on for, I dunno, 47 days. At this point, BP is liable for between $2,425,200,000 (2.4 BILLION) and $12,126,000,000 (12.1 BILLION) in fines.
Except, not really. Because the law caps the fines at a measly $75 million. Congress has tried to raise that cap to $10 billion, but the Republicans said no because hey, one day *you* might try to start an oil business and have an accident that bankrupts *you*. Besides, raising the cap is mean.
Oops. How did this NASA picture of the oil slick enveloping the entire state of LOUISIANA get in here...?
But lets put on our imagination hats and imagine that cap *didn’t* exist. If the spill went on for 15 more days, BP would owe in the ballpark of $3.2 billion and $15.9 billion. If this new attempt to plug the hole doesn’t work, numbers keep going up from there.
Here’s my modest proposal: let’s remove that cap, fine BP, and use this money to fund Obamacare.
Whoa. I just blew your mind, right? We could actually fund part of the cost of the new healthcare system *without* taxing people? Sign me up! (By the way, for those of you who would say, “oh, that’s nationalizing BP! That’s SOCIALISM!!! *scary hand gestures*” — it’s actually not. It’s called justice. You break a rule, you pay the consequences.)
In fact, we don’t *have* to use that money to pay for Obamacare. We could use it to hire a bunch of Border Patrol agents. We could use it for shiny new fighter planes. We could use it for a Bush-style tax cut stimulus. We could buy everyone in America a Shetland pony. It doesn’t matter what we spend it on! BP flagrantly broke our laws, and now they have to pay! Right?
Unfortunately, we don’t actually enforce environmental laws the way we enforce everything else because, well…that’s hippie shit. Let me be clear: I’m not advocating that we should completely take the cap away. After all, BP still has to have some money left to pay off the lawsuits of the family members of the original victims. And all the fishermen who are getting sick. And still have some money left to keep messing things up in the Middle East.
But this is a *thought* experiment. And well, here’s basically what things boil down to:
- ACTUAL AMOUNT OF MONEY WE COULD GET FROM BP FINES WITHOUT A CAP: $2.4 billion to $12.1 billion
- PROJECTED AMOUNT OF BP FINES IF CRISIS CONTINUES FOR 15 DAYS WITHOUT A CAP: $3.2 billion to $15.9 billion
- ACTUAL AMOUNT THE U.S. MAY COLLECT: $75 million
Our congressmen get plenty of money from BP. Don’t you think it’s time the American people got in on the game?
Even sTaR WaRz Kid <3’s Teh Law Lulz
Alright. My friends keep bringing up hot topics in conversations, so I’ve officially stopped having opinions. Too much controversy going on, too many five-minute long rants.
BP oil spill? Meh, someone should do something about it. Should the U.S. be spending billions of dollar supporting Israel without getting a military base in return? Don’t ask me, it’s not like I majored in Middle Eastern studies! Is it worse to have your girlfriend cheat on you with another woman/are bisexual people are untrustworthy? Pfft. Who cares, stereotypes are fun, especially when two chicks make out. McDonald’s or Whataburger? I have no opinion on the issue! HA! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! *Clenches jaw into forced smile, vein bursts*
So I’m going to write about something totally trivial. The Star Wars kid is going to law school. Who’s the Star Wars kid, you ask? Remember this?
Meme-tastic. Anyways, turns out the Star Wars kid is going to law school. His name is Ghyslain Raza (which incidentally sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings). He goes McGill University in Montreal. And let me just say, on behalf of everyone: a fat, nerdy, unstable, litigious guy who likes Star Wars is going to LAW SCHOOL? Noooo.
I haven’t gone to law school yet, but from what I’ve gathered from blogs and other friends in law school, most guys in law school are Star Wars kids. The only difference is that they deleted the videos of them pretending they were Darth Maul before they hit YouTube.
Also, law school guys are probably jealous that, even though the Star Wars kid ended up in a psych hospital for a while, he had a taste of the fame and attention they so desperately crave as they cry themselves to sleep, consoled only by the fact that in two weeks, they’ll be trekking around the Sahara, looking to stay but a night at the Hotel Sidi Driss a.k.a. Luke Skywalker’s house.
As for me, I’m nothing like this guy. I mean, I’m not fat. Well, I’m a little chunky. But it’s like cool frat guy chunky.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. (I’m working on that.)
Confessions of an Aztec Law Student 