With Regards to Mr. Vonnegut
“I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'” — Kurt Vonnegut
I know this post is coming at 1:30 in the morning, and that nothing good ever happens at 1:30 in the morning. But I feel like I should say this, because my iPod pulled a Jesus and resurrected itself three days after apparently dying in the laundry machine, and because I’ve realized that in spite of buckling under a massive workload and occasionally feeling isolated, I am, in fact, blessed to have some of the best friends in the world to help me get through this.
This feeling will likely fade later on in the week, and it might even be totally crushed when I recieve my midterm grade back if I do exceptionally poorly.
But at this point, that doesn’t matter. Nothing about the “legal” identity matters to me. This feeling exists, and it should not only be acknowledged, but embraced.
I am honest to God happy. I’m happy right at this point, I’m happy existentially with where I’ve ended up in life. I’m happy knowing that, regardless of what happens, who enters my life, or whatever trials and tribulations the future may hold for me, I am ready to meet them. And I’m happy knowing that even if these challenges defeat me, I’ll have experienced what I experienced and be a better person for it. At this moment, I am really, truly content with everything in the universe. Happy to be a human being. Even just happy to be alive.
And if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.
The Week from Hell
We have a major memo due on Sunday. We also have another writing assignment due on Sunday. We also have an ass-ton of reading to do.
These things normally do not bother me. When faced with work, I can usually just retreat into my filthy midden of darkness workspace, isolate myself from the rest of humanity, and get it all done with no problem.
Except that was the tactic I used when I was an anti-social poindexter. I had nothing in the world around me except for my work, and that made me profoundly miserable. So I stopped doing that and reached out to people around me in hopes of improving my quality of life. I was told this would make me happier (allegedly).
But now, it seems that obligations to people I care about in my personal life keep complicating things. For one, my very codependent substance-abusing sexually promiscuous drama-magnet supportive friends from back home keep calling or texting me, and then they get incredibly upset when I don’t text them back immediately. “Ugh i have SOOOmuch homewrk!!!” “Lol” “Hey where r u?” “Helllo?” “WHY DONT U ANSWER ANYMORE!!! u think ur 2 good b cuz ur in LAW SCHOOL!?!”
Also, communicating with family has shown itself to be an issue. My dad, a coach, called me out of nowhere this morning on my way to class to tell me some kid came in crying to him the other day about having diabetes, and that “reminded him of me.” When I told him that I didn’t have diabetes, he said, “no, but you need to lose a lot of weight.”
Calling first thing in the morning to tell me I’m fat. Thank you. This is critical information that I would have never known…EXCEPT YOU SAY THIS EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU!!!
AND ALSO people keep visiting me. Which I like, don’t get me wrong. But it’s also proving to be very stressful. My sister visited two weeks ago. My good friend “H” from North Africa is staying with me for five days, I’m picking him up at Dulles without a car, and I’m really happy to see him.
But I’m also really stressed because I don’t seem to be understanding civil procedure. Or contracts. And my mentor wants to meet up. And I have to go to court at some point. And all I’ve consumed today has been a granola bar and Red Bull. And I’VE GOT A MEMO DUE ON SUNDAY AND EVEN THOUGH I’VE ALREADY FINISHED IT, IT WILL BE HORRIBLE BECAUSE I’M A HORRIBLE INCOMPETENT PERSON WHO WILL FAIL OUT OF LAW SCHOOL AND END UP SELLING MY BODY IN A DITCH!!! And no one will buy it because I’M FAT!!! AAARGH!!!
…hah just kidding. I’m not that stressed yet. People who stress out that much are dumb, and I take every chance I can to mock them. And as far as I’m concerned, if people with kids can do law school, so I can. I’ll find a balance. Hopefully….
…but seriously though, my cuticles might be bloody by the end of the week.