What 1L Year and the World’s Most Notorious Terrorist Have in Common

May 9, 2011 at 5:37 pm (Uncategorized) ("outlaw" friends, being a 1L, justice scalia, mission accomplished, osama bin laden, REAL QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK ME(tm))

So it’s been a while.

Here’s a summary of what happened my second semester of law school:

1. Mock trial was a minor shitshow, but a lot of fun, regardless. Apparently what I lack in substance I make up for in looking good in suits with pink ties.

1a. Realized that my sense of style straddles that thin line between “very sharp” and “Russian crime boss” but that either way, I can be better-dressed than 80 percent of my male classmates when I try.

2. Did a great job arguing against civil rights protection for transsexuals in LRW. Which, you know, classy thing to tell strangers at cocktail parties. (“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s a d-bag thing to say. But REALLY, the question is, would LGBT people have been protected under this law in 1969? Well, *yeah* times have changed since then, but my friend Tony Scalia says you’re TOTALLY missing the point…”)

2a. Speaking of Scalia, I was totally waiting for Nino to fight his traffic ticket. Guess that’s not gonna happen. *Sigh*.

3. Had a shot at making Moot Court arguing that we should be able to fire transsexuals for no real reason (supra), but got flustered by the fact that my opponent sounded like the narrator from Prairie Home Companion and I consequently bombed when anxiety/self-loathing at arguing against civil rights just to save a fake corporation a few bucks kicked in

4. Hated going to class, but that was to be expected, given that I hate most things and that the fun, interesting classes involving human tragedy like torts and crim law were replaced with another rousing chorus of civil procedure — a tragedy of a different kind.

5. Realized that most of what I learned in law school is totally useless after having been peppered with the following REAL QUESTIONS THAT PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME(tm):

Q: Hey, Temoc. So the insurance company won’t pay my friend who was hit by a drunk, speeding driver because they say he failed to yield right of way. Can they do that?
A: Um. I don’t think so? You should probably talk to a real attorney, that sounds pretty serious.

Q: Well, when are *you* becoming a real attorney?
A: God willing, two more years. Actually, I don’t even really start learning real law until I study for the bar. Right now we’re working with like fake, Play-Doh law and listening to the profs talk about the time they met Richard Posner.

Q: Who’s Richard Posner?
A: Remember that guy from the ’80s who used to make those workout videos?

Q: Dude! No way!
A: That’s not him.

Q: Oh. Well hey, I have a friend who’s trying to hire immigrants for his company. Can I give him your number so you can give him advice on how to do it?
A: No. That’s called “practicing law without a license.” I can’t do that. I am not a real attorney. Please consult a real attorney.

Q: Dude, okay. So I got a ticket for going 8 mph over the speed limit. Total bullshit.
A: Well, you technically broke the law.

Q: IT WAS EIGHT MILES OVER!!!!
A: Why don’t you just take the defensive driving course with the Mexican food buffet and get it taken off your record?

Q: Hey, I’m asking the questions. You’re answering them. Here’s my question: my car is green. Well like, off-green. But the cop wrote “blue” on the ticket. Can I get it dismissed?
A: I cannot stress strenuously enough the fact that I am NOT an attorney…

Q: Stop being gay! Can’t the judge kick it out on like a technicality?
A: I’m pretty sure that won’t matter.

Q: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Should I ask for a jury trial and drag this out as long as possible?
A: JUST PAY YOUR FRIGGIN’ TICKET!!!

5. Landed a sweet summer internship back in the motherland that allows me to channel my righteous Chicano anger into something constructive.

5a. Found out that even though we’re not being paid for the summer, the Big Boss of my internship is sending all the interns to the beach, which is awesome.

6. Learned that meritocracy is mostly a lie used to keep Type A people running faster and faster on the gerbil wheel while the elites sip port they recovered from a 16th Century shipwreck, light Cuban cigars with $100 bills, and complain that they don’t make enough money.

7. Found out that “networking” is not just a euphemism that lawyers use as an excuse to drink at 2pm on a Tuesday, but that it can actually put you in contract with cool people who can help you out in life.

So yeah. I’ve been struggling to try and come up with a way to describe my complex and ambiguous feelings about first year. I think I found one.

Finishing the first year of law school is a lot like partying in front of the White House when you hear that Osama bin Laden is dead. At first, you want to do nothing but celebrate, because it feels like a huge relief. You sing a few songs, dance around a little, suppress the urge to burn things. But then you think about how much time, money, and freedom you had to sacrifice to get to that point, and you start to wonder if it was all worth it in the end, especially given the amount of people who either resent you or think you’re a boob for the decision you just made.

And as you hang from a tree branch, dressed up like Spiderman, wondering if all this will actually signal a real turning point in your life or whether this is merely a Pyrrhic victory in a long campaign that will ultimately bleed you dry of all your humanity, all you want to do is shout. From joy? From fear? Who knows.

In conclusion, I end this post by saying…U-S-A!!!! U-S-A!!!!

(It’s been a long year.)