So first day of orientation was today. I could talk about it, but instead, I want to talk about the District’s Target.
I read the reviews of this Target on Yelp, and all these two-page long reviews made it sound like this was the literal entrance to the gates of Hell. One person said it made them feel “like I was going to get hep c just being there.” Also, it’s in Columbia Heights, which is allegedly the ghetto. So before orientation started, I hopped on the metro and went to see this airless moonscape for myself. And it…was…AWESOME! Cases in point:
Culturally sensitive hipster T-shirts (although it doesn’t sound as good in Spanish…) aaaand
Adult-sized tan-ta-tans (the kind of superhero underwear you wore as a kid where you’d jump out into the hallway and yell “tan-ta-taaaan”)
Afterward, I was trying to figure out why everyone was hating on Target. And then I realized it’s because the only people who write reviews on Yelp are disaffected yuppies. Take this girl, Megan P., who apparently thinks she’s channeling Carrie from Sex and the City in describing her “relationship” with this Target:
As our relationship crumbled, the little things that were out of stock for weeks started getting to me: soymilk, leggings, shampoo, pet supplies. Then one day I caught myself sneaking across town to Whole Foods to pick up the organic dog food that Target no longer carried. I didn’t like the sad, displaced yuppie I had become, and I decided to reevaluate my relationship with Target.
This Target can be fun for a quick, convenient trip to pick up some non-essentials, and I’ll keep coming back for that, but this wasn’t a store I could depend on to meet all my needs. Sorry, Target, I need a man, not a boy who thinks he can.
Organic dog food? Really? Are you freaking kidding me? You’re mad because Target didn’t carry ORGANIC dog food? Get a life. Feed your dog kibble and use the money you save to buy yourself something that’ll get you a man.
…sorry if that was harsh. I’ve had a long day. Financial aid scared the living crap out of me by claiming that I past-due $6,200. When I insisted that my Stafford stuff took care of all that, they told me they would “double-check.” Fourty-five minutes later, after *I* called *them* back, they were like “oh yeah. That call was in error. Our bad.”
Also, the Trader Joe’s off L Street in Foggy Bottom is RACIST. Here’s proof. An actual sign from the store:
Lol? I’m still trying to figure out the connection that would make this not racist. Undocumented immigrants are like undocumented carts in that…both carry the vegetables you sell at your store? No, that’s still kind of racist…
See, this is what I hate about yuppies. This sign *might* be funny if it was at, like, Jr’s Produce in El Paso. But when it’s in a neighborhood where single room condos sell for a cool $1 million, it oozes with paternalism. These think they’re being funny and post-racial ironic, when really, they’re just being assholes. Of course, there aren’t any Mexicans around to tell them that sign is actually offensive, because they’re all too busy mowing the manager’s lawn.
Also, what the hell is “organic grape preserves?” Sweet Lord, call it “jam” like normal people!
…you know what? I wasn’t going to go out drinking with people at Georgetown tonight, but screw it. The best conversation I had all day was with a crackhead at the Columbia Heights metro stop. Things really can’t get any worse from here.