Hating On Yuppies

August 18, 2010 at 5:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

So first day of orientation was today. I could talk about it, but instead, I want to talk about the District’s Target.

I read the reviews of this Target on Yelp, and all these two-page long reviews made it sound like this was the literal entrance to the gates of Hell. One person said it made them feel “like I was going to get hep c just being there.” Also, it’s in Columbia Heights, which is allegedly the ghetto. So before orientation started, I hopped on the metro and went to see this airless moonscape for myself. And it…was…AWESOME! Cases in point:

Culturally sensitive hipster T-shirts (although it doesn’t sound as good in Spanish…) aaaand

Adult-sized tan-ta-tans (the kind of superhero underwear you wore as a kid where you’d jump out into the hallway and yell “tan-ta-taaaan”)

Afterward, I was trying to figure out why everyone was hating on Target. And then I realized it’s because the only people who write reviews on Yelp are disaffected yuppies. Take this girl, Megan P., who apparently thinks she’s channeling Carrie from Sex and the City in describing her “relationship” with this Target:

As our relationship crumbled, the little things that were out of stock for weeks started getting to me: soymilk, leggings, shampoo, pet supplies. Then one day I caught myself sneaking across town to Whole Foods to pick up the organic dog food that Target no longer carried. I didn’t like the sad, displaced yuppie I had become, and I decided to reevaluate my relationship with Target.

This Target can be fun for a quick, convenient trip to pick up some non-essentials, and I’ll keep coming back for that, but this wasn’t a store I could depend on to meet all my needs. Sorry, Target, I need a man, not a boy who thinks he can.

Organic dog food? Really? Are you freaking kidding me? You’re mad because Target didn’t carry ORGANIC dog food? Get a life. Feed your dog kibble and use the money you save to buy yourself something that’ll get you a man.

…sorry if that was harsh. I’ve had a long day. Financial aid scared the living crap out of me by claiming that I past-due $6,200. When I insisted that my Stafford stuff took care of all that, they told me they would “double-check.” Fourty-five minutes later, after *I* called *them* back, they were like “oh yeah. That call was in error. Our bad.”

Also, the Trader Joe’s off L Street in Foggy Bottom is RACIST. Here’s proof. An actual sign from the store:

Lol? I’m still trying to figure out the connection that would make this not racist. Undocumented immigrants are like undocumented carts in that…both carry the vegetables you sell at your store? No, that’s still kind of racist…

See, this is what I hate about yuppies. This sign *might* be funny if it was at, like, Jr’s Produce in El Paso. But when it’s in a neighborhood where single room condos sell for a cool $1 million, it oozes with paternalism. These think they’re being funny and post-racial ironic, when really, they’re just being assholes. Of course, there aren’t any Mexicans around to tell them that sign is actually offensive, because they’re all too busy mowing the manager’s lawn.

Also, what the hell is “organic grape preserves?” Sweet Lord, call it “jam” like normal people!

…you know what? I wasn’t going to go out drinking with people at Georgetown tonight, but screw it. The best conversation I had all day was with a crackhead at the Columbia Heights metro stop. Things really can’t get any worse from here.

10 Comments

  1. Jenna said,

    I am so looking forward to your mockery of DC and its people! =D

  2. El Camino said,

    Hey, doesn’t being a law student make you a yuppie-in-training pretty much by definition?

    Also, that sign at Trader Joe’s was most likely made by people who work there, not the million dollar condo dwellers who live around it, and even at Trader Joe’s, grocery store workers aren’t usually considered yuppies (except maybe the manager, and I doubt s/he has a million dollar condo either. Those usually belong to lawyers!) And it seems to me more of a riff on Homeland Security than on undocumented aliens (and therefore not racist).

    That’s funny about the Target haters though. I didn’t even realize such people existed. I hope they stay away — more Target for me!

  3. azteclaw said,

    “Hey, doesn’t being a law student make you a yuppie-in-training pretty much by definition?”

    God, I hope not. I see the yup around me, I feel the yup around me, and it scares me. I’m gunning for a public interest job, so I don’t think I’ll be making enough to become a yuppie. Also, I found a dollar store yesterday and it made me genuinely happy. From what I understand, yuppies can only like those “ironically.”

    And as for the Trader Joe’s sign, my accusation of racism was mostly exaggeration. Coming from a Mexican background, I found the sign to be a little insensitive, but eh. My frustration wasn’t aimed specifically at the people working there, but mostly the environment I’ve encountered here. Apologies for any offense caused by Trader Joe’s got caught in my anti-yuppie crossfire.

    …but seriously, though, why can’t people just call it jam? Materially, it’s jam, right?

  4. Kelly said,

    Actually, jam, preserves, and jelly are not *precisely* the same thing. If there are chunks of grapes, then it’s preserves. http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/question84.htm

  5. Welcome, Huddled Masses « Confessions of an Aztec Law Student said,

    [...] me with new perspectives to mull over. For instance, one person took issue with me claiming that Trader Joe was RAAACIST!!!! culturally insensitive because of a RAAAAACIST!!! politically irreverent sign they posted. Also, a commenter named “Kelly” explained to [...]

  6. azteclaw said,

    Good to know, Kelly. Thanks! I’ll need to learn these things if I’m going to survive in DC

  7. azteclaw said,

    Oh and El Camino. I forgot to tip my hat to you for being a fellow Target fan. Right on.

  8. Leslie said,

    You will need to accept a yuppie job in order to pay back all of your financial aid unfortunately.

  9. azteclaw said,

    Leslie, not necessarily. I was lucky enough to get a good scholarship deal that reduced my student loan debt substantially. I was admitted to T14 schools, but I turned them down because the ungodly amount of debt I’d rack up would necessarily keep me from pursuing my legal passions and public interest work.

    So yuppie job remains a possibility (it is DC after all), but not a certainty. And even if that wasn’t the case, really? People get mad about Target’s lack of selection of organic dog food? If that’s my destiny, I might as well just run now.

  10. Time Management « Confessions of an Aztec Law Student said,

    [...] our venues. First night we decided to go to Ultrabar, which the illuminati at Yelp panned (because everyone in DC who uses Yelp hates everything). And although it was “trashy” and way too expensive, I gotta admit — I had fun. [...]

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